Goodbye, Chief
The drum has finally stopped beating for Chief Illiniwek. The fertility-dancing is over for the long established mascot. He will no longer entertain the throngs of college sports fanactics gathered to support the Fighting Illini. Instead, he will ride his stolen horse into the sunset of obscurity where he will pass away and be buried by Political Correctness.
But wait... perhaps there is more to this than meets the eye. The Chief certainly retired without much fanfare. Maybe the University is holding out for one last pagan ritual. I've heard rumors from certain people indicating that if the Fighting Illini pull off the impossible and win the NCAA men's basketball national championship, that the celebration will center, not on the basketball team, but on Chief Illiniwek.
First, a herd of buffalo will be released into the Georgia Dome. They will be recklessly slaughtered for their furs by the members of the opposing team. As this develops, if one were to look closely, a tear will gently fall from the Chief's left cheek. He will rush up to the dead buffalo, rip out one of their hearts and eat it as his sadness quickly changes into fury. He will engage the opposing team by throwing tomahawks and scalping them alive. After conquering the opposing team's starters, members of the white-man's bench will offer firewater and smokes as a sign of peace. Shortly thereafter, in a drunken stupor, Chief Illiniwek will abruptly light the Georgia Dome on fire (ironically symbolizing the torching of the prairie). Once the wreckage has been cleared, Atlanta can okay the building of the Chief Illiniwek Hotel and Casino where the dome once stood. That would be a most extravagant tribute fitting to mark the end of the Chief's reign. He who has been retired because his mere presence is offensive.
Maybe that would be true, if he evoked all that I just described. But he doesn't. He stands in front of fans who are more interested in watching the sport than the mascot. He claps, shouts, cheers and sweats. And that's it. What's the big deal?
But wait... perhaps there is more to this than meets the eye. The Chief certainly retired without much fanfare. Maybe the University is holding out for one last pagan ritual. I've heard rumors from certain people indicating that if the Fighting Illini pull off the impossible and win the NCAA men's basketball national championship, that the celebration will center, not on the basketball team, but on Chief Illiniwek.
First, a herd of buffalo will be released into the Georgia Dome. They will be recklessly slaughtered for their furs by the members of the opposing team. As this develops, if one were to look closely, a tear will gently fall from the Chief's left cheek. He will rush up to the dead buffalo, rip out one of their hearts and eat it as his sadness quickly changes into fury. He will engage the opposing team by throwing tomahawks and scalping them alive. After conquering the opposing team's starters, members of the white-man's bench will offer firewater and smokes as a sign of peace. Shortly thereafter, in a drunken stupor, Chief Illiniwek will abruptly light the Georgia Dome on fire (ironically symbolizing the torching of the prairie). Once the wreckage has been cleared, Atlanta can okay the building of the Chief Illiniwek Hotel and Casino where the dome once stood. That would be a most extravagant tribute fitting to mark the end of the Chief's reign. He who has been retired because his mere presence is offensive.
Maybe that would be true, if he evoked all that I just described. But he doesn't. He stands in front of fans who are more interested in watching the sport than the mascot. He claps, shouts, cheers and sweats. And that's it. What's the big deal?
posted by Qahal at 2:48 PM
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